it's the same old story.

nothing has changed.

NOTHING.

it's really depressing how no matter what you do, certain things are just never going to change.
i don't mean to put this in that category, but that's just the way it seems.

i cried for the first time last night.
it's been a while.
my conscience is weighing me down.
my body is weighing me down.
my non-existent self-esteem is weighing me down.
my debt is weighing me down.

i'd like to move on from this.

i think i'll go back ... but i don't know if that'll do anything. i don't know if that'll just be running away, or if it'll help me change what i'm doing wrong.

but the point is, i'm not doing anything right at the moment.
everything, absolutely everything i'm doing is wrong.

the one thing i can say i'm happy to have changed is that i don't necessarily regret anything anymore. i learn from everything, and even when i make the same mistakes over and over and over, at least i know in advance that i'm going to feel this way afterward. i know in advance that i'm going to want to freaking crawl in a hole and hybernate until it's time to die off.

that's how i feel.

do. not. want.

reasons not to quit my job.

i'm a poor ass bitch and i won't have any money at all whatsoever if i quit my job.
no other employer will deal with all my bullshit.
i get into disneyland for free.

i don't even have a fucking allowance.
well, i'm 20. i'm fucking old.

20 year olds have jobs.

and no other employer will deal with all my bullshit.

except for my dad.
but he isn't hiring atm.

reasons i want to quit my job:
i want set hours. :[
i'm depressed.
i'm over it.
i'd rather work in the daytime.
i can't even go to galaxy games.
it's getting more and more difficult to find people to switch with.

fuck my ass.

but no other employer will deal with all my bullshit.