it's not a hit. it's a holiday.

i hate that my blog is so formatted. LET ME BE FREE.
i'm too lazy to change it up.

i'm too lazy to do much of anything.

hence why i'm homeless in my own home.

i've been homeless since i moved back here. i can't find comfort here anymore.
the hole i'm in keeps getting deeper. i dig it by not doing anything.

i miss the boat because i self-sabotage every single thing i do.

my general attitude:

i failed because i didn't try hard enough. if i had tried hard enough, i would've succeeded.

i say that, and i believe it, for the most part.
except i know it stems from the one time when i truly did try my best, or so i thought.
and i failed.

i tried consecutively for 11 years of my life, leading up to the one moment where i failed miserably. there's not even a moment of "if only i would've done (something) differently."

it was my whole life. i thought i was doing enough.

in a way, i'm very much over it. i don't mean to say my life would've been completely different.
certain things still would've happened. certain people still would've hurt me.

could i have dealt with it better? could i have had at least that one thing to keep me happy?
or would i have gotten a reality slap?

i've done two years of damage to myself now. granted, i've had so much fun these past two years.
comedians have been said to be the saddest people.
not to say i'm a comedian, but more and more often do i change the subject when you ask me how i'm doing, or when you ask me how life is, by making an off-topic comment for a cheap laugh.

it works. it's probably really transparent, but it works.

i don't want to talk about anything anymore.
let's just have some fun until i get my shit together, and then we'll have a conversation.

anyway, did you hear about niley?

it's the same old story.

nothing has changed.

NOTHING.

it's really depressing how no matter what you do, certain things are just never going to change.
i don't mean to put this in that category, but that's just the way it seems.

i cried for the first time last night.
it's been a while.
my conscience is weighing me down.
my body is weighing me down.
my non-existent self-esteem is weighing me down.
my debt is weighing me down.

i'd like to move on from this.

i think i'll go back ... but i don't know if that'll do anything. i don't know if that'll just be running away, or if it'll help me change what i'm doing wrong.

but the point is, i'm not doing anything right at the moment.
everything, absolutely everything i'm doing is wrong.

the one thing i can say i'm happy to have changed is that i don't necessarily regret anything anymore. i learn from everything, and even when i make the same mistakes over and over and over, at least i know in advance that i'm going to feel this way afterward. i know in advance that i'm going to want to freaking crawl in a hole and hybernate until it's time to die off.

that's how i feel.

do. not. want.

reasons not to quit my job.

i'm a poor ass bitch and i won't have any money at all whatsoever if i quit my job.
no other employer will deal with all my bullshit.
i get into disneyland for free.

i don't even have a fucking allowance.
well, i'm 20. i'm fucking old.

20 year olds have jobs.

and no other employer will deal with all my bullshit.

except for my dad.
but he isn't hiring atm.

reasons i want to quit my job:
i want set hours. :[
i'm depressed.
i'm over it.
i'd rather work in the daytime.
i can't even go to galaxy games.
it's getting more and more difficult to find people to switch with.

fuck my ass.

but no other employer will deal with all my bullshit.

whatever, i'm team jacob. this book is going to be a waste of my time. rude.

diaf stephenie meyer! haha. not literally, but i love the rhyme so dgaf.

so whatever, i'm angry.
i'm angry that the one shred of hope i had has come to a standstill.
i put too much into it and not enough at the same time.
that's probably why no one else is putting anything in anymore.

i'm out of time. all the time, i'm out of time.
i should go to bed RIGHT NOW if i want to be okay tomorrow.
i should clean my room RIGHT NOW if i want to be okay tomorrow.

i should get the e-mail RIGHT NOW if i want to have something to look forward to.
and by the e-mail .. i mean the one about tomorrow.
i've lost hope on the one i've been waiting for for two weeks now.

i'll e-mail him tomorrow.
i need answers, or at least acknowledgment.
i realize it isn't even what i really want, but it's all a process.
it's a ladder.
it's the first step, in any direction.
i don't care which direction. at all.
i just need to keep moving before i fall off the wagon again.

again and again and again and again.
dooooo it again.

ugh peace out. gym.

no lyrics today.

i can't help but be depressed.
it all started when i only got to sleep 3 or 4 hours on sunday night.

things to be depressed over:

being unable to stop throwing hate daggers.
text messaging.
money in relation to concerts.
weight issues.
school.
the future.
my job in relation to my season tickets.

other stuff i don't remember right now.

i had a real blog to post, but depression clouded the thoughts. dgaf, going back to bed or something.

all i wanted was to go to bed.

now all i want to do is to make it up to you.

i'm too self-centered to be a good friend.
i'm too self-centered to be a good student.
i'm too self-centered to be a good humanitarian.
i'm too self-centered to be a good pet-owner.
i'm too self-centered to be a good daughter.
i'm too self-centered to be a good cousin.
i'm too self-centered to be a good sister.
i'm too self-centered to be a good employee.
i'm too self-centered to be a good church-goer.
i'm too self-centered to be a good person.

all i wanted to was to go to bed, to wake up and learn my song.
then i see your cry for attention, and it strikes me: i've done wrong.
on a path to fix myself,
i've gone and left you on a shelf.
i'm sorry.
i love you.
don't worry.
i love you.
i'll show you.
i love you.

my whole purpose is to protect you,
and i'm not doing a very good job.








..... brb crying. literally.

hovering. hovering ... hovering.

troubling.
stumbling.
fumbling
over words to say that i'm leaving you.



that was already on my clipboard, so i felt like using it. hay.

ugh.

so two days ago, i said, "i wonder how long this good mood is going to last."

it ended today.
i'm looking away from reality and digging myself into a bigger hole without even realize it.
i'm peddling hard in one direction that looks so appealing, but maybe what i'm getting away from is what i'm supposed to be going toward.
in fact, it is.

i don't even know what i'm doing.
ughhhhhhhhhh.
RUDE.

roll with it. get over it.
i love the feeling of truly accepting things.
i need to remind myself of that.
i felt so happy yesterday.
tonight and tomorrow morning are going to remind me of that.

LOL at this guy on the real world. how funny. brb dying.

i'm trying to form opinions and behave like a human being.
i'm trying to function in the real world after being secluded for a year and a half.
my eyes are open, my ears are working again.

i'm glad i retained a lot of myself through the months of darkness.
people are forgiving, and i'm thankful for that.

i was going to say something else. i don't remember. oh well.

ugh i need to stop stfd'ing on joe's face. it's killing my back.
i think i've been so used to it that now that i'm out and about, my back's like "....... HUH?"

okay. brb cleaning my room and watching more real world. then gym. then shopping maybe. then practice. then .. idk yet.

then audition tomorrow morning.