it's not a hit. it's a holiday.

i hate that my blog is so formatted. LET ME BE FREE.
i'm too lazy to change it up.

i'm too lazy to do much of anything.

hence why i'm homeless in my own home.

i've been homeless since i moved back here. i can't find comfort here anymore.
the hole i'm in keeps getting deeper. i dig it by not doing anything.

i miss the boat because i self-sabotage every single thing i do.

my general attitude:

i failed because i didn't try hard enough. if i had tried hard enough, i would've succeeded.

i say that, and i believe it, for the most part.
except i know it stems from the one time when i truly did try my best, or so i thought.
and i failed.

i tried consecutively for 11 years of my life, leading up to the one moment where i failed miserably. there's not even a moment of "if only i would've done (something) differently."

it was my whole life. i thought i was doing enough.

in a way, i'm very much over it. i don't mean to say my life would've been completely different.
certain things still would've happened. certain people still would've hurt me.

could i have dealt with it better? could i have had at least that one thing to keep me happy?
or would i have gotten a reality slap?

i've done two years of damage to myself now. granted, i've had so much fun these past two years.
comedians have been said to be the saddest people.
not to say i'm a comedian, but more and more often do i change the subject when you ask me how i'm doing, or when you ask me how life is, by making an off-topic comment for a cheap laugh.

it works. it's probably really transparent, but it works.

i don't want to talk about anything anymore.
let's just have some fun until i get my shit together, and then we'll have a conversation.

anyway, did you hear about niley?