i don't want to hear those people interfere

what do they know?
what i feel inside,
when i'm up all night
needing you home.

it's pretty sad how in the span of one year i've lost contact with a few people i really cared about in high school.
i was just thinking about prom night and the one person who made that night bearable for me.
i haven't talked to that boy in months,
and the last time i saw him was winter break.
& then there's the other one, who i honestly just feel awkward around now if i see him.
i'm glad i've only run into him once.
our friendship had gotten to be really randomly deep, and then all of a sudden he pissed me off like crazy, and then i forgave him, but then i think he pissed me off again .. i don't even remember anymore.
all i know is, the vibes i was getting from him were not strictly platonic.
when he would answer the phone "hey beautiful" i just wanted to hang the eff up.
then there's the third one of these boys, and he for some reason still tries to keep in touch every once in a while, and even though we have nothing to talk about, i'm always thankful that we do talk.

i miss those three. we had so much fun.

power in the money

money in the power.
minute after minute.
hour after hour.

freaking a.
my mind was just blown less than a minute ago.
he's 21.
i just found out he's 21.
i've been in love with him since he was ..
16?
DAMN. no but really. wow.
he's probably the only real-life boy i could ever see myself falling in love with.
that's it, i'm back to liking him.

"the idea of him."
it's a shame i never got to really really know him.
every time we talked though, it was like ...

whyyyy can't i breathe whenever i think about you?
whyyyyy can't i speak whenever i talk about you?
or whatever.

i don't know.
all i know is, if i never get to fall in love,
i'm glad i had my epic love story with him, even if it was all in my head.

now i'm just thinking about all of our ~memories.
so sad, hahaha.

the boy in the orange shirt ftw.

***

i've noticed i've started my last few blogs talking about a boy.
maybe i'm in a romantic mood.
maybe i feel like falling for someone.
i really really don't, though.
i haven't been into anyone in months, except for the on and off love for the boy in the orange shirt.

hmmm. i'm kind of feeling like "busting the epic mission" now.
it's funny how that place used to be the epic mission.
it still kind of is.
we wouldn't go there if it wasn't for that specific reason of busting the epic mission.

the missions we bust now are for fun.
you don't get the intense rush you get from these missions when you bust the "epic mission."
in comparison to the usual missions now, the epic mission isn't all that epic anymore.

i miss that guy.
happy 21st, handsome not-so-stranger.

it might get better if you try.

you've got to give a little love
give a little love
give a little love
to get a little love.

i definitely had a dream about him this morning. funny how that turned out.
i'm pretty sure i've been dreaming about him a lot lately without remembering when i wake up,
otherwise why would i be thinking of him at random times?

anyway. here are my options:

go take a shower, then pack up and leave.
stay ... and just wait to see how long i can hide in my room before she comes and yells at me.

those are kind of the only options.

all i know is i have to go to the gym at 4 with my cousin, and my dad has his class tonight so i can probably go out and do whatever tonight.

things to make sure to pack:
necessary clothing.
laptop.
notebooks.
calendar.
ipod.
charger.
school stuff.
camera.
magazines.
necessary shoes.
accessories.
make-up.
toothbrush.
perfume i guess.
bars.
anything else i find in the den.
oh, straightener if i find it.
curling iron.

i really don't have any prized possessions anymore.
i guess my joe jonas jacket would be it.
that and my signed soccer jerseys.

like really, i was thinking about it, and i was like:
if i run away, what if i come back and she's ripped up all my posters?
and then i was like:
okay really, idgaf.
i really don't.
this room's a hot tranny mess as it is, i haven't even hung my posters nor do i plan on doing it bc really .. whatever.

i'm kind of down to peace out. shower time.

thank god i did my laundry yesterday.

you've got your troubles. i've got mine.

on a clear day,
i can read your mind.

so i'm chewing this piece of weird-tasting gum and thinking of him.
not really thinking of him, but more .. remembering what it was like to think of him.
i should really be writing this in my journal because i think that's more real than this blog,
but i'm already sitting here listen to rilo kiley so i might as well not interrupt myself.

i don't know how much he has to do with my current HTM-ness, but i know he must have some part of it.
i don't know how much he has to do with my former HTM-ness, but i know he must have some part of it.

he's not to blame.
i'm not to blame.
he's not to blame.
she's not to blame.

i like to blame her, but it's really his fault.
i don't really know.

so anyway, the second i get set free, i'm blasting "breaking up" .. the part about feeling so good to be free.

can't handle won't handle this burden of captivity weighing me down all day all day.

he's always been a predator. i love david for saying that.

oo. it. feels good to be freeeee.
if only i were free.

um what else. no seriously i should've written this in my journal with a sharpie.
i don't even know how to fix this hot mess of a life i have.

clean room.
put clothes away.
put shoes away.
do homework.
find hair straightener.
look for a job.
gym it every day.
exercise anorexia.
oh who said that last one.

oh & hit the hood every day to keep sanity.
or is it to keep insanity?
don't know, don't care.

& start journaling again.
get comfortable chair.
sorry joe, but stfd-ing on your face is just not comfy.

i never thought i'd see you as i did today.

i don't know man. i can't wait til next semester when i'm a real human again with real things to talk about.

i need to control myself.
and i need to lose control.

homegirl needs to recognize that i can only be peaceful and held in a cage for a short amount of time.
honestly tomorrow might be the day.
get me out of here.

skunk stalkin' is a habit.

tail in da air.

kay so i'm not freaking out over my studying because lbr, i'll do it at some point.
i'm more worried about this burrito situation.

list of what i've eaten today, for my own personal reference:
40% of a pizza slice
2 egg tacos
lemonade
juicy juice

short ass list. burrito is nowhere on it. and it won't be.

anywho. i swear i'm not even hungry, i just want a burrito. or some mcdonald's or something.
okay lbr i'm probably hungry but that's because i'm still awake.





kay i'm going to move onto another topic now.
so i feel like i have a stamp on my forehead that says "my life is currently an epic fail" and that's why i'm being so awkward these days.
i'm guessing i'll feel better about everything next semester when i'm in real school taking real classes.

i need a job but i really don't want one. i just want money.

so yeah i think i parked in a handicapped spot today. if someone had asked me what my handicap was, i would've said that i have an ice box where my heart used to be. or i would've just given them a big rob face and driven away.

brc, you're a dilf, bb.
oh hay all these abbreviations.

freaking peer pressure. i don't think i'll go tomorrow unless someone goes with me, but i'm going to feel pressured to go even if it's alone. i'll go alone if i could just bum it in one of their cars and park mine somewhere in the neighborhood.

i feel the need to write all about every adventure, so i'm going to make a list for myself so i'll come back and do it in a moment of boredom:

-the time with the bikes and the hearing kevin talking and the guy walking around and the alley
-the time when we followed them to so you think you can dance, which idek if that was the same day as ryan seacrest or what. those three days are a blur to me and they're all just kind of mushed together.
-the time we called dhen and saw raven on the segway and then i talked to selena for two seconds
(oh wow. i just realized jobros weren't even home that day so idk why we were even there.)
-the time with the airport and the red light
-the time with brc and the dog, and then the sizzler's parking lot
-the time we saw them get in their car but we lost them bc we didn't know about ledge and we totally went somewhere else through the alley
-the time the secret cars were gone at 1 am
-sexy lexy
-the frankie house

but tbh i'm going to have to make those friends-only or something which idek if i can do that on here.

so anyway, they'll be home for the next 4-5 months according to kevin.
something better go down for real, and that's no lie.
bc tbqh i'm done with them in march.

joe's the only cute one, sry2say.

oh & i need a miley adventure. i like her more than i like them anyway.
but apparently a selena adventure is on the horizon before a miley one.

hmmm. tomorrow i'll go to the gym and park somewhere legit. and i'll fix my workout playlist bc that thing sucksss right now.

k i should start studying so i'll be ready to head out when my mom gets home in like 13 hours.

this goody two shoes makes me wanna barf.

kay, not really.
but the blog layout templates did make me want to barf.

so i had a useless day today. i ate a bar, and then some spaghetti and meatballs and garlic bread. then i hit the gym and burned ... like almost 300 calories which really isn't much now that i think about it. but whatever. so then i came home and ate a gogurt. that's another 80 calories.

it's a start.

things to be depressed over for today:

-being fat
-not having any money
-not getting my hair done
-not having any clothes, but that's mainly because i don't want any new clothes until i lose weight
-not having a picture with the jonas brothers (not gonna lie, it bothers me)
-being a blob

btw, being a blob seriously runs in the family. basically all of my cousins on my dad's side of the family are blobs. not all of them, but most of them. they're all blob-like in some way or other.

all of my older cousins except ONE on my dad's side are blobs and/or hot tranny messes.

idk if it runs in the family, or if i'm just blaming it on that. i wasn't a blob until .. until i became one. it just happened.

it's not cute, and that's no lie.

i just want to get into a routine. work, school, gym. and get a picture with the jonas brothers. and get my effing hair done.

it's not like it's out of reach. i just have to work for it, and that's pretty hard when you've been a blob for the past 9 months. ew change that to 10 months. 9 months reminds me of pregnancy, and i am not even down for that.

oh & the fact that i'm not religious anymore.
idk. it's something i have to work on too.
i swear i was a happier kid when i still had faith in something.
the other day, my mom was like "pray for blah blah blah"
and i straight up said "uh yeah .. i don't do that anymore."
i didn't mean it in a bad way or anything, i just really don't do that anymore.
it's not a conscious decision, and it never has been.
the way i used to pray all day every day can't stop won't stop without forcing it, is the way i don't pray now. i'm not into forcing it.

i should do homework, but i'm not down. i'll go do the dishes, listen to the ting tings and go to bed.