i want my own dream .. so bad i'm gonna SCREAM!

Dear Zac Efron,

I'm sorry I thought Joe Jonas was better than you.
I'm sorry I thought Nick Jonas was better than Joe Jonas sometimes, meaning better than you as well.
I'm sorry I forgot about you so much that I even would've had Kevin Jonas above you on my to-do list.
I'm sorry that even papa, papa[s]razzi[/s] jonas would've probably been above you, as well as Frankie in 10 years.
(Ohmygod who said that).
I'm sorry sorryyyy for making your life a living hell!
But thaaaat wasn't me, that was alter-ego!

You know you love me.
& I know I love you!

xoxo,
Gossip Girl

******

So tonight was a maaaaagical night at work. I actually said "have a magical night" for the first time tonight because I was in such a good mood.
I think we're supposed to say "have a magical night," but I always say "have a good night" or "have a great night."
No. Tonight was just magical. It was like sparklenight.

I wish I could be this bomb-diggety at my job every day.

It could be because I sped all the way there and had time to spare.
It could be because I had a 10-minute long conversation in the break room about Britney Spears before clocking in.
It could be because I finally had time to get a good spot in the K-2 parking (because let's be real ... it's called K-2, so it's automatically my favorite).
It could be because I didn't have to run, at all.

OR, it could be because I had just watched HSM3 and loved it loved it loved it, blasted the soundtrack on the way to work.

Don't even know.
All I know is, I was super nice and really genuinely happy at work, and then my ~srs bsns~ portion of work went without a hitch, & then I helped do other things that I did well, too.
I'm still dgafing about not even getting time and a half. It ain't a thang. As long as I had a good time.

Oh & the bosses who usually have attitudes were nice today, too.

***

So, last night, I was thinking about how I wasn't really excited about Christmas.
Not because I have a job and I can buy myself whatever I want anyway, but just because ...

... not gonna lie, I forgot.

I remember it was something really profound~*~*~*~ though.

Dang .. I wish I could remember. Emo. Oh well.
I'll probably feel the same way next year, at which point I will make sure to write it down somewhere so I won't forget.

***

Anyway, speaking of Christmas, I can't go through a holiday season without singing certain church songs.
They don't sing those at my current church, so I'm glad the people from my old church come over once a year and I get to sing those songs with them.

Tras Hermoso Lucero ... it's hilarious because we can never make it sound good.
It sounds awful every year because everyone's tone-deaf, but that's part of its charm.

O Santisimo, Felicisimo. I remember that's Chepita's favorite hymn during this season.
Either that, or it's her least favorite because we sang it about a million times one year and she was all kinds of sick of it.

***

Hmmm ... I need a new ipod.
I should count my Christmas money now.

Oh & I want pupusas.
BEEN wanting some.

Can't wait to watch some bomb movies tmrw!!
I want to go to bed, but not really.

I want to eat, but not really.
I want to go buy a new ipod, but not really.

***

PS

Dear Joe and Nick Jonas,

Just because Zac Efron totally ~*~PoNeS~* you, that doesn't mean I don't like you anymore.
Just saying.
............. kay.

xoxo, black miley

***

oh, & i legitimately need to go buy cough drops.
i've been dying the whole day.
i miss cough drops.
i miss NEEDING cough drops!
things just aren't the same anymore!!

GO BACK HOME, PLEASE.
fierceness on sunset does not provide the need of cough drops.

happy song ; nothing's wrong. it's all fun, & i'm all numb.

it's getting difficult not to get my hopes up.
it's one of those things that happens every few months,
i have a good day, someone knows people, and numbers are exchanged.

then i wait.

i wonder.

i wait a little more.

i move on.

nothing happens.

this time, though, there's been some follow-through.
there's been legitimate follow-through, as well as evidence that people are actually known.

i waited, i wondered, and then i realized i'd been waiting longer than i needed to wait.
there was already something happening, and i had no idea.

now i don't know what to do.

if 2009 is as long as 2007 and 2008 were, it's quite possible things might actually happen this year.
i used to blame it on things that were out of control, but now everything seems like it might be within reach sometime soon.
it's kind of up to me now, and i can't help but feel unprepared since i never thought it would get to this level.

***

nothing's wrong, everything's okay. i'm a blank slate these days.
i have plenty of things against me, but it's a classic "things can only get worse before they can get better."
things are probably going to get better now, because i've realized that i have to make them get better.
no one's going to make them get better for me.
that's okay, though. i'm up for it now.

things are stable. i know where i stand.
i know what my life is now.
there's no drama, there's no scandal.

now i kind of hope this next year is eternal.
i need time to fix things at my own pace.

& how will i end this year?

HAAAAY!

kay, eating some pizza hut and then getting ready to go out.

amanece un nuevo dia; otra noche sin dormir.

recordando los momentos
de mi vida junto a ti.

***

so i'm watching family feud, the question is
"what would you love to get paid to do at your job?"
or something like that.

and my mind immediately assumes the number one answer will be "have sex."
... then i realized that that is a job, and it's called prostitution.

anywho.

i have a thing for men in authority.
either that, or i'm just scared of them.

i pretty much like my goldfish. he's been a little bit more entertaining the past few days.
by entertaining, i mean .. he's eating right now, and he's done a couple of laps around the landon donovan action figure my dad put in his fishbowl.

i wonder if kevin would seriously try to eat jj if i let him in here.
which reminds me, the cover of my old diary was a picture of a cat trying to play with a goldfish.

so my phone is finally broken. there goes that era.
brb removing all pictures from my phone.

the sad thing is, i can't get to my notes, so i lost this really good poem i had typed out in one of my notes.
i also lost my list.
i have a feeling i'm going to just have to compile a whole new list because someone won't be willing to share hers.
i hope i'm wrong.
although i do still have this one addition to the list as trade bait, so we'll have to see.

----

on another note,
i've never understood why on laguna beach and the hills, all they do is show awkward eye contact. don't these people talk?
i finally got it on the way home on saturday afternoon.
no one said anything after a little while, and everyone got out of black miley and went on their own paths. it was definitely a liz gately-produced mtv reality show kind of moment.
all we needed was some killers music in the background with the awkward eye moments and everyone getting out of the car at their homes.

we need a reality show right NOW.

--

edit!!
i just remembered piale has most of my list. there are just two that are missing on that list. two or three.

i was going to edit something else but i don't remember what it was .. oh well.

it's a love story, baby just say yes.

I don't know if that song will ever not make me cry.
I just listened to it with my dad before getting out of the car, and I'm pretty sure he'll have a good cry before falling asleep tonight.

Neither of my parents are the kind of people to show their emotions, and I inherited that trait too.
I knew we both wanted to cry and hug, and neither of us could really talk, so we just said goodnight and I love you, and I came in the house and started crying, and he probably went to his car and did the same.

There are things in life that are hard to get over, and things that you can't ever fix.

You may move on with your life and have your happy days, but there's always that underlying sadness of knowing something has changed your life forever.

I want to prove myself wrong on that last sentence. I'd like to prove to myself that this won't ruin my life. Up until now, that hasn't been the case, though.

you know you love me ...
xoxo, millions of oh my bad, i mean gossip girl.

no. way.

i'm not slacking off or backing out
or cracking up with doubt.
i'm working it out.

***

another funny day monday.

it wasn't that eventful, but it was so much fun.
had a subtextual fight with the homies, but i ended up meeting them at the bowling alley irregardless.
i ended up being bomb-diggety at bowling that night, and i think that was karma for piale because she only wanted me to go so that she'd have someone to beat OH WHO SAID THAT.
so after bowling, we went up to cruise sunset.

during the sunset cruise, we had the most amazing sing-along to 'pushin me away.' not even kidding.
it was scandalous, and all three of us were feeling that song like it wasn't even a thang.

we didn't get milkshakes.
we saw desmond.

then david passed the eff out, and we had "bossy" on repeat for like 40 minutes.
so good.

one more lap around sunset, which was all kinds of dead for some reason, and david woke up.

idk, it really wasn't eventful.
NO WAAAY, JOHN TAYLOR. jk.

today, i went to the gym and got all tired, so then i went home, and then i went to irvine and watched 90210 with minerva & gabby, had some gossip time, and some itunes-raping time as well. got a whole bunch of good music.

boys boys boys, i like boys in cars.
boys boys boys, they buy us drinks in bars.

KILL THE LIGHTS!!

what else .. oh so then i went to work, and the first two hours were effing bomb.
it was after my break (during, actually) that everything went downhill.
there was seriously nothing to do and i still had two hours to go.
i had to walk around doing nothing. in real life, i love doing nothing, but when it comes to work, no no no.

so anyway, i had a sad moment when i was walking to the shuttle stop to go back to my car.
i realized that at some point in life, "old man crushes" really aren't all that much older.
my current old man crush is probably like 10 years older than i am. definitely not more than 20 years older. that's so sad.
i'm getting old.
pretty soon, my old man crushes are going to be the same age as me. DNW.

you know you love me,
xoxo gossip girl

ps
i'm watching a hilary duff dvd. loveeee HD!

~*~*~*~*~NEVER FORGET THAT CORNER OFF SUNSET

superstar. where ya from, how's it goin?

I know you
got a clue whatcha doin.
You can play brand new to all the other chicks out here,
but I know whatchu are.
Whatchu are babehhhh.

WOMANIZA WOMAN-WOMANIZA
OH- WOMANIZA OH
YOU'RE A WOMANIZA BAYBEH~

***

last night was freaking hilarious.

so we decided to show david the new house, just so he would know where it was ...
and as we get there, they're leaving. UGH!! we were not prepared for this scandaliciousness.

anywho .. so obviously we went on a chase.
however, on the way out, we see a little something something that looks like it's going in.
too bad we didn't know the color!!! we totally would've taken that assignment over the one we ended up going on. oh well.
someoneee was getting picked up .. hm.

so after that, we got back and there was some car out in front. hm. dnw. O_o
obv people were getting in the territory, so we chased them out a few times after a mj & pj sighting.
it was hilarious.
we chased them out the back way, the front way, doing some weird u-turn, honked at them, mad-dogged them several times, flashed our brights at them.
fun stuff.
massachussetts, i'm talking about you.

so then after that, we decided to go see the studio, which we did, followed by a millions of milkshakes run. SO GOOD!!

oh & before i forget my joe jonas rap:
ugh oh wait i already forgot it.
it was like.
scandals going down up in the hood, in the hood.
but this ain't the hood, it's the bel air whaaat?
lol it was funny at the time ... oh well.

idkidk.
so anyway, then we were like "haay let's bust a mission to the 24-hr wal mart after milkshakes to get the poster!!" .... mmmhm.

but on the way home, we decided to go to the hood. last-minute decision, but let's be real, i feel like the hood is always necessary before going home.

so we went, and all of us at this point had to pee SOOOO effing bad it wasn't even funny.
piale's phone was dead.
& anyway so we went to bob's, but piale didn't want to charge her phone there.
it would've been awkward.
ghetto posed before we left.

their house is so deaddd now. :[ emolicious.

then off we went to the 24-hr wal mart. before david parked the car, piale and i were already out running to the door. this lady was like "alcohol" and we stopped and went "huh?" and she said "are you here to buy alcohol? it's already 2 am." and we were like "NO!" and immediately kept running.
it was like a movie. david caught up and ran in behind us. he pulled piale's hat off, so she had to stop running to pick it up. "one down." then it was just david running at my side, but my phone fell out of my pocket so i had to stop too. "two down." GRRRR.
so i pick my phone up, and then we're all running in different directions looking for posters.
david and piale ask some guy who works there where they are, and i use my secret ninja instigator skills and just follow them.

we all get to the poster section and there aren't any there. :[ TFE.
at this point we're all out of breath, though. tmth.

i got a scarf, david got a bag, and piale bought a skirt.

anyway, i'm going to go get ready to go out now .. dad's still not here with food.

tunnel vision had him locked on in my sight

On a mission, for position by the end of the night
It’s like a prey, playin' games with the hunter
You better run boy, time to surrender

And all I need is to feel you
All I want is to feel you

REACH OUT AND TOUCH ME!

***

kay so i just cracked myself up and i had no one to tell even though it's only 1 am but it feels like freaking 3:30 right now.

so basically i didn't do this one assignment for my nutrition class, and i e-mailed the professor like "can i still turn it in for partial credit?" and she was like "please turn it in." and i really wanted to respond with "thanks bb."

i just chuckled again when i typed that out.

anyway. i just got home (ok not really, i've been home since like 11, idk why i just started blogging right now) from my first disneyland party. it was so cute. i wouldn't say it was bomb-diggety, but it kind of was tbh.

firstly, i won a goldfish. oh wait no.
firstly, i ate some bomb food. nom nom nom.

secondly, i won a goldfish, which i immediately named nick jonas.
upon further consideration, i decided to change the name to Nicholas JJ Cyrus.
i was thinking about going to win another one so i could name one nick and one miley and have them be niley, but then i was like .. no.
i'm going to keep writing about all the other names i came up with: niley, jj, jenny, lovebug, HD, hilary, the fish with a bunch of names, goldie, rilo, disco, and others that i don't remember.
so anyway, since i'm not into joe right now, the "JJ" in the name stands for Joe and Jenny, because they were my ~gold inspiration during my gold phase and it's a goldfish.
if i ever get another gold fish, i'm probably just going to name it jenny.

how do you know if your goldfish is a boy or a girl? hm.

after i won a goldfish, i got a balloon made. actually i was in line for the balloon when i won the goldfish bc my friend held my spot in line, and i did the same for her when she got a goldfish.

i got a balloon ariel and it is BOMB. DIGGETY.

i'm thinking of getting my pimped out mickey hat tomorrow. we'll see. i also want to get my hair did tomorrow. again, we will see.

what else ...

oh so then we got our faces painted. they ran out of glitter, which was not cute.
i really only wanted to get my face done because they glitterize it and i'm all about that glitter.
but anyway my face came out pretty cool. it would've been better with glitter, though, let's be real.

after that, we went to this other booth where you throw a football into a thing to win something, and i didn't win, but that was cool bc i didn't want any of the stuffed animals they had for prizes. it wasn't even a thang.

then we did the cake walk. i was seriously like "i'm not leaving without a cake." for realzies.
i saw the wheel thing that picks which numbers win, and i thought, "5 and 17 are going to win cakes." it was just one of those feelings you get for no reason but you know you're right.
so anyway, i ended up out of pure coincidence getting number 17, and then they spun the wheel and 5 and 17 won, so i had a fangirl moment and went "Yes! I won!" .... lol so awkward. it wasn't a fangirl moment over winning a cake though, it was about being right. and kind of about the cake.

so anyway i won the cake. & then they started playing "SUAVEMENTEEEE, besame!" and i was like. oh to the wow. they picked the epitome of hispanic party songs to play at this party. it was hilarious.
& then right after that, they played "oooaaaay no hay que lloraaaar, que la vida es un carnaval!" and yeah. that's #2 on the list of songs everyone plays at their stereotypical fun central american parties. bomb diggety.

then after that song, they went on to play the usual ghettolicious songs like "ms. new booty" and "low" while i ate a snocone that was bigger than my head. i seriously only ate like 4 percent of it.

then we decided to leave, and AS I WAS LEAVING .. this is what i hear:

Superstar
Where you from? How's it goin?

I was like AAHHHH!!! they HAD to play that song. perfect song to jam to as we left.

but then we ended up wandering around in "cast members only" areas. bomb diggety. it was weird though, because since only employees were there anyway, no one cared that we were back there and it felt so sneaky.

we couldn't find a way out of d-land so then we went through the park (which was already closed and empty) to the main entrance/exit. it was so cray cray being there when it's closed. it'll be even worse tmrw when i get out at 2 am. scandalous.

you know you love me.
xoxo, gossip girl

you just don't know it.

it's getting hard to say hello.
you just don't know it.
i'm on the edge of crossing the line.

not even gonna lie, less than ten minutes ago, i almost went bulimic over joe jonas.
it's an issue.

i have fat girl boobs. it too, is an issue.
they'll probably go away when i stop being a fat girl.

oh & as of october 20th of last year, i was still thin.
freshman 15 for realzies. so effing depressing.

i need to get rid of them.

for realzies.

i wanted to blog about last night, but then my whole "OMG JOE JONAS" thing happened and now i stopped wanting to blog about last night.

i'm currently trying to listen to a voicemail from santa barbara, but it's not working. so much to do tomorrow. so much dnw.
oh. you just said you're upset about the CB/JJ fiasco.
i'm quite upset myself, bb.

i'm going to watch some CB interviews on youtube now. i saw her on jimmy kimmel a few months ago and she seemed nice. she lives with her parents.

anywho. dnw him with anyone. :[

i don't want to hear those people interfere

what do they know?
what i feel inside,
when i'm up all night
needing you home.

it's pretty sad how in the span of one year i've lost contact with a few people i really cared about in high school.
i was just thinking about prom night and the one person who made that night bearable for me.
i haven't talked to that boy in months,
and the last time i saw him was winter break.
& then there's the other one, who i honestly just feel awkward around now if i see him.
i'm glad i've only run into him once.
our friendship had gotten to be really randomly deep, and then all of a sudden he pissed me off like crazy, and then i forgave him, but then i think he pissed me off again .. i don't even remember anymore.
all i know is, the vibes i was getting from him were not strictly platonic.
when he would answer the phone "hey beautiful" i just wanted to hang the eff up.
then there's the third one of these boys, and he for some reason still tries to keep in touch every once in a while, and even though we have nothing to talk about, i'm always thankful that we do talk.

i miss those three. we had so much fun.

power in the money

money in the power.
minute after minute.
hour after hour.

freaking a.
my mind was just blown less than a minute ago.
he's 21.
i just found out he's 21.
i've been in love with him since he was ..
16?
DAMN. no but really. wow.
he's probably the only real-life boy i could ever see myself falling in love with.
that's it, i'm back to liking him.

"the idea of him."
it's a shame i never got to really really know him.
every time we talked though, it was like ...

whyyyy can't i breathe whenever i think about you?
whyyyyy can't i speak whenever i talk about you?
or whatever.

i don't know.
all i know is, if i never get to fall in love,
i'm glad i had my epic love story with him, even if it was all in my head.

now i'm just thinking about all of our ~memories.
so sad, hahaha.

the boy in the orange shirt ftw.

***

i've noticed i've started my last few blogs talking about a boy.
maybe i'm in a romantic mood.
maybe i feel like falling for someone.
i really really don't, though.
i haven't been into anyone in months, except for the on and off love for the boy in the orange shirt.

hmmm. i'm kind of feeling like "busting the epic mission" now.
it's funny how that place used to be the epic mission.
it still kind of is.
we wouldn't go there if it wasn't for that specific reason of busting the epic mission.

the missions we bust now are for fun.
you don't get the intense rush you get from these missions when you bust the "epic mission."
in comparison to the usual missions now, the epic mission isn't all that epic anymore.

i miss that guy.
happy 21st, handsome not-so-stranger.

it might get better if you try.

you've got to give a little love
give a little love
give a little love
to get a little love.

i definitely had a dream about him this morning. funny how that turned out.
i'm pretty sure i've been dreaming about him a lot lately without remembering when i wake up,
otherwise why would i be thinking of him at random times?

anyway. here are my options:

go take a shower, then pack up and leave.
stay ... and just wait to see how long i can hide in my room before she comes and yells at me.

those are kind of the only options.

all i know is i have to go to the gym at 4 with my cousin, and my dad has his class tonight so i can probably go out and do whatever tonight.

things to make sure to pack:
necessary clothing.
laptop.
notebooks.
calendar.
ipod.
charger.
school stuff.
camera.
magazines.
necessary shoes.
accessories.
make-up.
toothbrush.
perfume i guess.
bars.
anything else i find in the den.
oh, straightener if i find it.
curling iron.

i really don't have any prized possessions anymore.
i guess my joe jonas jacket would be it.
that and my signed soccer jerseys.

like really, i was thinking about it, and i was like:
if i run away, what if i come back and she's ripped up all my posters?
and then i was like:
okay really, idgaf.
i really don't.
this room's a hot tranny mess as it is, i haven't even hung my posters nor do i plan on doing it bc really .. whatever.

i'm kind of down to peace out. shower time.

thank god i did my laundry yesterday.

you've got your troubles. i've got mine.

on a clear day,
i can read your mind.

so i'm chewing this piece of weird-tasting gum and thinking of him.
not really thinking of him, but more .. remembering what it was like to think of him.
i should really be writing this in my journal because i think that's more real than this blog,
but i'm already sitting here listen to rilo kiley so i might as well not interrupt myself.

i don't know how much he has to do with my current HTM-ness, but i know he must have some part of it.
i don't know how much he has to do with my former HTM-ness, but i know he must have some part of it.

he's not to blame.
i'm not to blame.
he's not to blame.
she's not to blame.

i like to blame her, but it's really his fault.
i don't really know.

so anyway, the second i get set free, i'm blasting "breaking up" .. the part about feeling so good to be free.

can't handle won't handle this burden of captivity weighing me down all day all day.

he's always been a predator. i love david for saying that.

oo. it. feels good to be freeeee.
if only i were free.

um what else. no seriously i should've written this in my journal with a sharpie.
i don't even know how to fix this hot mess of a life i have.

clean room.
put clothes away.
put shoes away.
do homework.
find hair straightener.
look for a job.
gym it every day.
exercise anorexia.
oh who said that last one.

oh & hit the hood every day to keep sanity.
or is it to keep insanity?
don't know, don't care.

& start journaling again.
get comfortable chair.
sorry joe, but stfd-ing on your face is just not comfy.

i never thought i'd see you as i did today.

i don't know man. i can't wait til next semester when i'm a real human again with real things to talk about.

i need to control myself.
and i need to lose control.

homegirl needs to recognize that i can only be peaceful and held in a cage for a short amount of time.
honestly tomorrow might be the day.
get me out of here.

skunk stalkin' is a habit.

tail in da air.

kay so i'm not freaking out over my studying because lbr, i'll do it at some point.
i'm more worried about this burrito situation.

list of what i've eaten today, for my own personal reference:
40% of a pizza slice
2 egg tacos
lemonade
juicy juice

short ass list. burrito is nowhere on it. and it won't be.

anywho. i swear i'm not even hungry, i just want a burrito. or some mcdonald's or something.
okay lbr i'm probably hungry but that's because i'm still awake.





kay i'm going to move onto another topic now.
so i feel like i have a stamp on my forehead that says "my life is currently an epic fail" and that's why i'm being so awkward these days.
i'm guessing i'll feel better about everything next semester when i'm in real school taking real classes.

i need a job but i really don't want one. i just want money.

so yeah i think i parked in a handicapped spot today. if someone had asked me what my handicap was, i would've said that i have an ice box where my heart used to be. or i would've just given them a big rob face and driven away.

brc, you're a dilf, bb.
oh hay all these abbreviations.

freaking peer pressure. i don't think i'll go tomorrow unless someone goes with me, but i'm going to feel pressured to go even if it's alone. i'll go alone if i could just bum it in one of their cars and park mine somewhere in the neighborhood.

i feel the need to write all about every adventure, so i'm going to make a list for myself so i'll come back and do it in a moment of boredom:

-the time with the bikes and the hearing kevin talking and the guy walking around and the alley
-the time when we followed them to so you think you can dance, which idek if that was the same day as ryan seacrest or what. those three days are a blur to me and they're all just kind of mushed together.
-the time we called dhen and saw raven on the segway and then i talked to selena for two seconds
(oh wow. i just realized jobros weren't even home that day so idk why we were even there.)
-the time with the airport and the red light
-the time with brc and the dog, and then the sizzler's parking lot
-the time we saw them get in their car but we lost them bc we didn't know about ledge and we totally went somewhere else through the alley
-the time the secret cars were gone at 1 am
-sexy lexy
-the frankie house

but tbh i'm going to have to make those friends-only or something which idek if i can do that on here.

so anyway, they'll be home for the next 4-5 months according to kevin.
something better go down for real, and that's no lie.
bc tbqh i'm done with them in march.

joe's the only cute one, sry2say.

oh & i need a miley adventure. i like her more than i like them anyway.
but apparently a selena adventure is on the horizon before a miley one.

hmmm. tomorrow i'll go to the gym and park somewhere legit. and i'll fix my workout playlist bc that thing sucksss right now.

k i should start studying so i'll be ready to head out when my mom gets home in like 13 hours.

this goody two shoes makes me wanna barf.

kay, not really.
but the blog layout templates did make me want to barf.

so i had a useless day today. i ate a bar, and then some spaghetti and meatballs and garlic bread. then i hit the gym and burned ... like almost 300 calories which really isn't much now that i think about it. but whatever. so then i came home and ate a gogurt. that's another 80 calories.

it's a start.

things to be depressed over for today:

-being fat
-not having any money
-not getting my hair done
-not having any clothes, but that's mainly because i don't want any new clothes until i lose weight
-not having a picture with the jonas brothers (not gonna lie, it bothers me)
-being a blob

btw, being a blob seriously runs in the family. basically all of my cousins on my dad's side of the family are blobs. not all of them, but most of them. they're all blob-like in some way or other.

all of my older cousins except ONE on my dad's side are blobs and/or hot tranny messes.

idk if it runs in the family, or if i'm just blaming it on that. i wasn't a blob until .. until i became one. it just happened.

it's not cute, and that's no lie.

i just want to get into a routine. work, school, gym. and get a picture with the jonas brothers. and get my effing hair done.

it's not like it's out of reach. i just have to work for it, and that's pretty hard when you've been a blob for the past 9 months. ew change that to 10 months. 9 months reminds me of pregnancy, and i am not even down for that.

oh & the fact that i'm not religious anymore.
idk. it's something i have to work on too.
i swear i was a happier kid when i still had faith in something.
the other day, my mom was like "pray for blah blah blah"
and i straight up said "uh yeah .. i don't do that anymore."
i didn't mean it in a bad way or anything, i just really don't do that anymore.
it's not a conscious decision, and it never has been.
the way i used to pray all day every day can't stop won't stop without forcing it, is the way i don't pray now. i'm not into forcing it.

i should do homework, but i'm not down. i'll go do the dishes, listen to the ting tings and go to bed.