it's not a hit. it's a holiday.

i hate that my blog is so formatted. LET ME BE FREE.
i'm too lazy to change it up.

i'm too lazy to do much of anything.

hence why i'm homeless in my own home.

i've been homeless since i moved back here. i can't find comfort here anymore.
the hole i'm in keeps getting deeper. i dig it by not doing anything.

i miss the boat because i self-sabotage every single thing i do.

my general attitude:

i failed because i didn't try hard enough. if i had tried hard enough, i would've succeeded.

i say that, and i believe it, for the most part.
except i know it stems from the one time when i truly did try my best, or so i thought.
and i failed.

i tried consecutively for 11 years of my life, leading up to the one moment where i failed miserably. there's not even a moment of "if only i would've done (something) differently."

it was my whole life. i thought i was doing enough.

in a way, i'm very much over it. i don't mean to say my life would've been completely different.
certain things still would've happened. certain people still would've hurt me.

could i have dealt with it better? could i have had at least that one thing to keep me happy?
or would i have gotten a reality slap?

i've done two years of damage to myself now. granted, i've had so much fun these past two years.
comedians have been said to be the saddest people.
not to say i'm a comedian, but more and more often do i change the subject when you ask me how i'm doing, or when you ask me how life is, by making an off-topic comment for a cheap laugh.

it works. it's probably really transparent, but it works.

i don't want to talk about anything anymore.
let's just have some fun until i get my shit together, and then we'll have a conversation.

anyway, did you hear about niley?

it's the same old story.

nothing has changed.

NOTHING.

it's really depressing how no matter what you do, certain things are just never going to change.
i don't mean to put this in that category, but that's just the way it seems.

i cried for the first time last night.
it's been a while.
my conscience is weighing me down.
my body is weighing me down.
my non-existent self-esteem is weighing me down.
my debt is weighing me down.

i'd like to move on from this.

i think i'll go back ... but i don't know if that'll do anything. i don't know if that'll just be running away, or if it'll help me change what i'm doing wrong.

but the point is, i'm not doing anything right at the moment.
everything, absolutely everything i'm doing is wrong.

the one thing i can say i'm happy to have changed is that i don't necessarily regret anything anymore. i learn from everything, and even when i make the same mistakes over and over and over, at least i know in advance that i'm going to feel this way afterward. i know in advance that i'm going to want to freaking crawl in a hole and hybernate until it's time to die off.

that's how i feel.

do. not. want.

reasons not to quit my job.

i'm a poor ass bitch and i won't have any money at all whatsoever if i quit my job.
no other employer will deal with all my bullshit.
i get into disneyland for free.

i don't even have a fucking allowance.
well, i'm 20. i'm fucking old.

20 year olds have jobs.

and no other employer will deal with all my bullshit.

except for my dad.
but he isn't hiring atm.

reasons i want to quit my job:
i want set hours. :[
i'm depressed.
i'm over it.
i'd rather work in the daytime.
i can't even go to galaxy games.
it's getting more and more difficult to find people to switch with.

fuck my ass.

but no other employer will deal with all my bullshit.

whatever, i'm team jacob. this book is going to be a waste of my time. rude.

diaf stephenie meyer! haha. not literally, but i love the rhyme so dgaf.

so whatever, i'm angry.
i'm angry that the one shred of hope i had has come to a standstill.
i put too much into it and not enough at the same time.
that's probably why no one else is putting anything in anymore.

i'm out of time. all the time, i'm out of time.
i should go to bed RIGHT NOW if i want to be okay tomorrow.
i should clean my room RIGHT NOW if i want to be okay tomorrow.

i should get the e-mail RIGHT NOW if i want to have something to look forward to.
and by the e-mail .. i mean the one about tomorrow.
i've lost hope on the one i've been waiting for for two weeks now.

i'll e-mail him tomorrow.
i need answers, or at least acknowledgment.
i realize it isn't even what i really want, but it's all a process.
it's a ladder.
it's the first step, in any direction.
i don't care which direction. at all.
i just need to keep moving before i fall off the wagon again.

again and again and again and again.
dooooo it again.

ugh peace out. gym.

no lyrics today.

i can't help but be depressed.
it all started when i only got to sleep 3 or 4 hours on sunday night.

things to be depressed over:

being unable to stop throwing hate daggers.
text messaging.
money in relation to concerts.
weight issues.
school.
the future.
my job in relation to my season tickets.

other stuff i don't remember right now.

i had a real blog to post, but depression clouded the thoughts. dgaf, going back to bed or something.

all i wanted was to go to bed.

now all i want to do is to make it up to you.

i'm too self-centered to be a good friend.
i'm too self-centered to be a good student.
i'm too self-centered to be a good humanitarian.
i'm too self-centered to be a good pet-owner.
i'm too self-centered to be a good daughter.
i'm too self-centered to be a good cousin.
i'm too self-centered to be a good sister.
i'm too self-centered to be a good employee.
i'm too self-centered to be a good church-goer.
i'm too self-centered to be a good person.

all i wanted to was to go to bed, to wake up and learn my song.
then i see your cry for attention, and it strikes me: i've done wrong.
on a path to fix myself,
i've gone and left you on a shelf.
i'm sorry.
i love you.
don't worry.
i love you.
i'll show you.
i love you.

my whole purpose is to protect you,
and i'm not doing a very good job.








..... brb crying. literally.

hovering. hovering ... hovering.

troubling.
stumbling.
fumbling
over words to say that i'm leaving you.



that was already on my clipboard, so i felt like using it. hay.

ugh.

so two days ago, i said, "i wonder how long this good mood is going to last."

it ended today.
i'm looking away from reality and digging myself into a bigger hole without even realize it.
i'm peddling hard in one direction that looks so appealing, but maybe what i'm getting away from is what i'm supposed to be going toward.
in fact, it is.

i don't even know what i'm doing.
ughhhhhhhhhh.
RUDE.

roll with it. get over it.
i love the feeling of truly accepting things.
i need to remind myself of that.
i felt so happy yesterday.
tonight and tomorrow morning are going to remind me of that.

LOL at this guy on the real world. how funny. brb dying.

i'm trying to form opinions and behave like a human being.
i'm trying to function in the real world after being secluded for a year and a half.
my eyes are open, my ears are working again.

i'm glad i retained a lot of myself through the months of darkness.
people are forgiving, and i'm thankful for that.

i was going to say something else. i don't remember. oh well.

ugh i need to stop stfd'ing on joe's face. it's killing my back.
i think i've been so used to it that now that i'm out and about, my back's like "....... HUH?"

okay. brb cleaning my room and watching more real world. then gym. then shopping maybe. then practice. then .. idk yet.

then audition tomorrow morning.

on the black sand, the black sand,

black saaaaand.

so i'm blogging for the third time in like 12 hours. dgaf.

i'm unpacking and looking through everything. i've been back home since last march, and i didn't unpack until tonight.
it's part of the healing process.
i wasn't ready to heal.
i wasn't ready to face dropping out of school.
i had not moved on to any thing.
until now, at which point i was ready to unpack.
i don't feel like a total idiot about it anymore.
i love the fact that i can accept everything now.
i know everything that happened, i understand everything that happened.
i live with my decisions.
most of all, i'm glad 2007 is in the past.
2008 served the purpose of getting 2007 away from me.
i can't even say "last year" anymore.
it's a wonderful thing to be so distant in time from something so undesirable.

i pet my goldfish today. it was the freakiest thing ever.
it fell on the floor. what an idiot.
he's chillin now, swimming around like "wtf i can see. wtf. hey andie!"
HEY JJ!
whatever, i'm glad i pet my fish. i needed to ~bond with it.

that fish is a fighter.
i don't feed it on a regular basis, i don't clean his water on a regular basis, i let him fall onto the kitchen floor, etc. i mean srsly. i would've died by now.
i've had JJ for 2 and a half months now. haaaay. idk if e's bigger than he was, or anything. he kind of seems bigger.
i wonder if he'll survive for very much longer.

no, he's definitely bigger. i'm not even looking at the screen at all, just looking at the fish.
he's trying to eat, but i only gave him a little bite of food. i guess i'll give him more. he deserves it, that little survivor. you go jj coco.

i fell in love with a beautiful boy

on the black sand.

one year ago today.
brb checking my facebook.

wow, literally no one wrote on my wall one year ago.
but according to posts before and after that, i was very much still in college.
david and i wanted to lurk lilo on melrose. we wanted to run into her at marc jacobs.
i'm pretty sure lilo wasn't even in a relationship with a girl back then.
one year ago.
so intense.

i was about to buy tickets to my first jonas brothers concert.
how funny.
i didn't even go.
still bitter, i could use those 63 dollars right about now.

anyway. i really liked hairspray still, and i was so good at keeping in touch with my friends.

brb, continuing my unpacking.

it's too soon.

that's all i can say.

everything they're warning me about
(he doesn't know me at all)
only makes me want it more.
every danger, every detail, every disappointment.
i've known about them all, and i've never been scared of these things.

i'm scared of not having to be warned about them.
i'm scared of stopping before i get the chance to go through them.
i'm scared of them not happening at all.

bring it on.
i don't know if i'm ready, and i don't care.

things need to start happening.
they've started happening.
for the first time ever, things are actually happening.
i'm rambling.

but things are happening.
i'm subconsciously stopping them out of fear.
not fear of the things i've been warned about.
fear of not encountering such things.
fear that i'll disappoint before i even need to impress.

on another note.

dear zac efron,
it could be that i haven't seen hsm3 in a few days, but
oh to the wow.
i love joe jonas.

my sincere apologies,
me

let's have some fun this beat is sick i wanna take a ride on your disco stick.

let's play a love game
play a love game
do you want love
or you want fame
are you in the game?
down the love game.

it took me 19 years -- well almost 20 -- to figure out that the end of the year doesn't signify anything. you can clump 12 months together and call them a year. you can say it was a great year, an epic year, a fabulous year, a bad year.
2007 was a bad year, or so i thought.
not gonna lie, my hair was all kinds of fabulous in 2007.
therefore, it was also a fabulous year.

2008 was an epic year, no doubt. but no, not really. all 365 days were not epic.
therefore, it was not an epic year.
there were just many many epic days that fell in the range of those 365 days aka year.

2009. it's just different number -- my favorite number! -- at the end of the 200_ now.
nothing new.
nothing different.
tomorrow could be different, but a whole year?
things will change, but they could've changed last week. they could change in three days.
that doesn't mean they're changing because it's a new year.[/end of rant]

speaking of change.

oh wait.

ps
i'm just polite, i'm not hitting on you.

pps
only nick jonas can pull off the thumbs up. nick jonas and bill clinton.
you are neither of them, so please stop. i mean, seriously.

okay back to what i was originally going to talk about.

so basically in a few hours i have to wake up to go do something that could be something or could be nothing.
i don't think it'll be nothing.
nothing might come of it, but just the fact that i'm doing it means it's something.
it's the first something to happen in the whole 19 -- almost 20, as mentioned in the first sentence -- ----- i'm into these today ------ -- years of my life and the, i guess, 9 (almost 10, oh look i didn't do --this--) years that i've been doing this.

so i don't know. i really might just be overreacting.

i had a whole talk about it on the shuttle to my car with a bunch of coworkers today.
it was all kinds of random and intense.
i got slightly emo, but then i remembered i had this thing in the morning, so i mentioned it.
we'll see.

it would be epic.
i'm mentally preparing myself.
i've been mentally ready for the 9almost10 years.
well, maybe not all 9almost10 years.
i've been ready in my head for at least 6 of those years.
2007, i was all kinds of ready. all year.
2008, i wasn't ready. i'm getting over it.
2009, let's try to get back to being ready.

so that brings me back to the whole year thing.
i'm going to clump 2007 and 2008 together because i honestly don't even know where one ended and the other started.
i was too busy trying to finish my oc marathon.
if you can clump 365 days together and call it a year, i'll clump 730 of them together and call it the longest and most confusing time of my life.

i attempted my oc marathon again this year, but it just did not happen.
this is party because i have a job now, as well as more freedom in the form of driving (though i did last year, but not on the freeway), and the pressure from the besties to read twilight.
i only finished the first book, but whatevz.
i'll get to the rest eventually.
maybe i'll try to finish those before i start school, instead of the oc.
i am more than halfway done with the oc anyway, though, so .....

i like how this year ended.
it ended how it started, but better.
i vaguely remember watching the jobros and miley on dick clark last year and being confused as to why they were all being so awkward. i wasn't into them, so i thought the little one was dating miley cyrus.

so this year, i watched them again, but i got to see miley live for new year's and that was pretty awesome.
again awkwardness on dick clark, but it was taylor swift and joe jonas instead.
maybe it'll be like, lindsay lohan and kevin jonas next year.
that would be bomb.

alright, well.
i'm going to go to bed now to see if i can make it ME and kevin jonas for next year's post-breakup awkwardness on dick clark.
step 1 tomorrow.

brb back to mental preparation.